YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE if.........
-you wear sunglasses indoors
shits totally obvious. you're not fucking paris hilton, and the fact that you are going for that look makes you a compleeeeete asshole. there have been two occasions in the bank where i have been helping people that were wearing sunglasses, and while looking at the card terminal they remarked "why is the screen all black.....oh i forgot i had my sunglasses on" idiot shivers.
-you have ever or still do wear any sort of fight gear (tapout, hitman etc)
exceptions: you're a sponsored fighter, and get paid to wear it. that would make you dope.
-you wear gym gear in public
listen dude, the fact that you work out is not impressive enough to warrant telling everybody that you work out by the clothes that you are wearing. put on some jeans and a shirt that has sleeves, your arms aren't even that big anyway.
-you violate others' personal space
ok, now i know that in some cultures its ok to stand really close to other people, especially while waiting in line. but i for one do not enjoy being able to feel you breathing on the back of my neck as if we were cuddling. also please note that when we are talking, and you see me constantly stepping back that means that you are too close to me, and if i am turning my head so as to not face you, your breath smells. please learn to floss like the the rest of us, and give me enough space so as to not be able to get a whiff of your rotting molars.
-you choose the middle stall when the outside ones are available
dude, its like, i don't want to leak next to you. i'm assuming you don't want to leak next to me so why didn't you just choose the outside stall so that i can choose the other outside one, and we can hang our dicks in the air and be confidant in the fact that there another random dude won't be standing inches away from us as we are doing this.
-you are a legitimate bike rider, and wear one of those gay ass tight outfits
let me clarify this. i actually don't have any problem with you wearing those shitty outfits and spending thousands of dollars on a bike that weighs about as much as a baby chihuahua, an might actually consider doing the same once i retire, if i still live in a similar nice, city wit ample views. however i do have a problem about your constant complaining, and motto of "share the road". i would be MORE than happy to share the road with you, given that you did not insist on running every single stop sign/light possible. if you are going to share the road, you need to obey the fucking signs like the rest of us! fuck you!
-you are a bad driver
i can not even begin to narrow this down into specific things that you do, but a few are: driving in the fast lane and going under the speed limit, stopping in the right hand lane, so that the people behind you can not turn right, stopping so far behind the next car in front of you, so that the people behind you can not navigate between you and the median to get into the left hand turn lane.
-wearing a wifebeater, or one of those shitty cut up shirts that resemble a tank top, in public, or at the gym
look dude, its not cool if you LOOK like you are trying to show off.
-you have started up a small company, be it a promotions company, or whatever....and you call yourself the "C.E.O."
you most likely don't know what this even stands for, but thats besides the point. calling yourself the "C.E.O." of your own shitty company does not make you a baller to the likes of bill gates, steve jobs, or ken lewis. those people are highly refined work a-holics. rest assured that you will NEEEEEEEVER be a C.E.O. to any company ever, and even though you might be able to impress club girls with your business cards that inform of the fact that you are the C.E.O. of a company that does not have an office, much less a listing on the dow jones, i still know that you are a true asshole.
-you practice e.w.l. at the gym
"e.w.l." was coined by my friend jeff sagud i believe, and it stands for "experimental weight lifting". granted mentioning weight lifting, or the gym 3 times in one blog puts me into serious contention for being an asshole myself, you, my friend are a complete asshole for your total disregard of weight control. the way you swing your limbs, and throw weight around makes you look like a total shit head to dudes that actually know how to push weight. we all know you are dropping that 45 pound dumbbell on the ground as if you were heaving boulders in the worlds strongest man competition, in order to gain respect from dudes that can bench more than their weight, but in turn you are just come off as a total prick. also know that no matter how much i hate you for your gym etiquette, jeff hates you 10 times worse, which actually isn't hard to accomplish.
-you enjoy/mildly enjoy/are willing to watch sex and the city
even if your girlfriend watches it every night on dvd, and you're just there, thats no excuse. sportcenter can just as easily be turned on in the other room, there's also a million other viable alternatives....including doing anything other than watching the shitty show. maybe "faggot" is a better term rather than asshole for this one
-you constantly abbreviate, mis-spell, and/or say the word "tatt"
referring to a tattoo as a "tatt" is possibly the worst abbreviation ever. text messages are n exception. the fact that you want to save time by communicating through text message not an excuse to use shitty abbreviations like "u" or "r" or "y" the one word abbreviations being arguably the worst of all. also shitty is how you constantly misuse the word "your" when no referring to posession "your gay" "your an idiot". please do yourself a favor if you want to look like you actually passed 5th grade english, stop abbreviating anything, and when you want to indicate that somebody is gay just type all of it out, avoiding any confusion, it would look something like this: "you are gay". notice the lack of grammatical error. now, maybe this one might make me look like i am getting on my high horse or something, because of the fact that i may not use proper punctuation all of the time, and i will NEVER capitalize.....but at least i have a basic understanding of the english language, and the fact that you do not, makes you look like a retard
-note: acceptable abbreviations include: lol, rofl, roflmao, brb, and npt (n00dz plz
anyways, there are much more where that came from, but instead of writing a book, i think i'm gonna cut this one off.